So its Tuesday of Week 5 and I think I finally used my abs. They’re sore today but I have a feeling they should have been sore Week 1 or 2. I really need to engage my abs more. Funny how that’s the first thing you forget when doing a million things at the same time – straight legs, seat engaged, head, shoulders down, elbows facing the back wall, etc. Oh abs?
I can’t believe it’s already Week 5. I’ve been waiting for this camp since February and now it’s all but gone. Today we had our last pointe class with Robert Steele. I ended up going despite last week’s bruised toe event. I wore different padding this time and it was definitely an improvement. I wasn’t sinking and I was able to make it through class. At the very end he had us rise into first and second without the barre and that was painful but I don’t think I was pulling up enough. Maybe I worked my abs during pointe since I was really trying to hold my weight as much as possible?
I’ve been obsessively watching Dance Academy. I’m in episode 17 of Season 2. I could watch it all day…and have been. I’ve been avoiding my online class and avoiding writing a statement of work for work and avoiding blogging. Avoiding everything but dance.
I moved back into my original housing. Things seem ok. I stay in my room more and let the girls fend for themselves. I don’t regret leaving even though it put a small hole in my wallet. I needed the quiet. I haven’t seen my host mom all that much so I’m not sure if we’re totally ok but I just want to go for cordial.
I’ve decided not to register at CPYB for the year. This program seems more suited for people who have time…for young people…and that I am not. Realistically, could I afford to quit a good paying job with benefits to move to a small town, be an RA and attend a school that probably won’t work with me because of my age, bad feet, and bad turn out? Not that CPYB is a bad school, clearly it’s not but I fear I don’t have enough time to give them. I’m going to try and enroll in a program at a local studio – one with a syllabus, with goals, and pointe work. Brookline Ballet maybe? This way I won’t have to quit my job. Everyone I’ve talked to has said the economy is only getting worse and that there are so many people without jobs. I guess I have to play it smart. I have loans after all. So it’s back to the same old same except this time I’ll have to make dance a priority.
Physically, I feel stronger every day. I used to have a good side and a bad side and I find myself not remembering which is which. I think that means I’m working both sides pretty well. I’m still putting weight in my heels but that’s a habit that’s going to take longer than 5 weeks to break. Even though I feel stronger physically, ballet is still so demanding – mentally and physically. I’ve had multiple moments of “what the hell am I doing?” I could be in my cushy, soul-deadening 9-5 job just waiting for my 2 week vacation rather than pushing myself to be better at an art form that demands perfection.
A girl from night class in B4 came up to me last week asking how old I was. When I told her 25 and asked her why, she said “Just wondering. You know you look like Misty Copeland.” Maybe in the face, I told her, and she responded “No your whole body.” Maybe the hyperextended knees but that’s about it my friend. Maybe secretly but not so secretly I was hoping that there was a ballerina waiting in the wings. Maybe this camp and coming here year round would give me the opportunity to train hard and somehow get into a small, unheard-of company. I would aspire for no more than corps because even that would be amazing. But what would the timeline be – if I were to train intensively for 5 years, would be that be enough? When is enough, enough? When do you just say “I’m done?” How do you quit said perfect job? How do you quit said perfect dream?