Life update – Belonging

Life update – Belonging

Hello. I’m sorry I’ve been MIA. It’s been an absolute insane several days. Like unreal. Here’s what’s going on. The first paragraph is strictly ballet related. The list is not. Feel free to read what you like of course ๐Ÿ™‚

I had pointe class yesterday with Robert again. Ugh. Last week my pointe shoes were too tight since I think the tights were adding extra padding and my feet might just be bigger now? This week I only wore thin pads and the shoes were too big.. well kinda. My left second toe felt like it was hitting against the box a bit but I disregarded it. BAD MOVE. I guess I was sinking or something but my entire weight was being supported by my second toe and that toe wasn’t having it. I was literally grimacing and almost crying at the barre. I didn’t feel comfortable asking Robert if I could adjust my padding. BAD MOVE #2.ย I put all my weight onto my right foot to try to not put any weight on the left. That didn’t really work well at all. Finally after sousous-ing twice where I really jumped onto pointe (shouldn’t be done this way I know) and my toe SCREAMED at me, I decided to not continue. I wanted to throw my shoes against the wall in a fit of fury at this pointe (haha). I went over to Robert and asked if I could sit the rest out. The rest being the final couple of minutes, he was ok with it, more like didn’t really care – which is fine. My toe felt a little unhappy even outside the pointe shoe. Today it was sore in SOFT SHOES. I think I bruised it slightly but it pretty much went away which is great!

Life related “injuries”

  1. I dropped my work computer a couple of inches from my bed to the floor and totally messed up the hard drive leaving me computer less which is like leaving someone to die. No I kid. But since I’m working remotely, taking an online class, and supposedly blogging – a computer has become a vital organ. One of the lovely girls in my house let me borrow hers but it was slow and buggy and I was worried about taking my midterm (did I mention I had a midterm for my class that weekend?) on it and just not being able to use the computer when I wanted. Luckily, I was able to purchase a computer thanks to my awesome boss.
  2. Did I mention I’m currently typing this from an adorable bed and breakfast that was built-in 1802 and part of the Underground Railroad? Yea…. so things got a little hectic with my host family. Long story short, the girls were coming to me for support and rides and I shouldn’t have been providing either since it isn’t what I came here to do. For some reason my motherly instincts came out and I’ve been mothering the whole house it seems and unintentionally undermining the host mom. No bueno. She said I was not to give anyone rides ANYWHERE since it’s a liability issue which I completely respect. If I could not adhere to this rule I would be asked to leave. I totally understand her rule but I didn’t understand why I had to be threatened with being kicked out. Now I understand because that’s what happens when you mess up – they take away whatever is dear to you. Jail takes away your freedom. Parents take away your cell phone. ย You lose your housing if you can’t adhere to the rules. I still felt uncomfortable though and decided I should probably distance myself from the situation to not cause any further trouble.
  3. I forgot that I’m 25 not 15. I’ve made a really amazing friend here and I thought things were going great but my host mom realized she was spending most of her time with me and not socializing with people her own age and she didn’t think that was right. So now I have to distance myself from one of the three friends I have here without hurting her. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ What a pickle. It made me realize that despite how well I get along with the girls, I must remember that I am no longer a girl. Our friendship reminded me of my friendships in high school – supportive, fun, and constant which is probably why I clung to her just as much as she clung to me. I’m seeing this from a much calmer place today. Yesterday, I felt like I should leave CPYB. That I should quit ballet altogether. What was the point? Staying here pretending to be a teenager with endless possibility when the reality is that this summer means nothing to anyone except me. No place, not even CPYB is going to look past my age which leads me to my next two points.
  4. I was/am considering staying at CPYB year round. I applied for an RA position and was offered it but it’s a full-time live-in position. I would never see my boyfriend and after the snafoos described in points 3 and 4, do I want to actually be responsible for teenagers? When I’ve talked to the teachers here, I haven’t gotten a ย clear sense that I will get what I want here. I know I will improve technically but I don’t how much I’ll be able to accomplish in a year since this program is not geared for people like me. Also, it would be a lonely road – I wouldn’t be able to make friends at ballet class nor as an RA.
  5. Where do I belong? I’ve been happy here, I think. I’ve been bursting into song randomly and every song I’ve sung has had the word love in it. “I’m in the mood for love” (a 50’s version is stuck in my head), “Bill, I love you so” (no idea where this is from) are two perfect examples. I’ve been told I sing when I’m happy. Maybe caretaking makes me happy (shudder – I am adamant about not wanting children for a long while). Maybe dancing makes me happy? But being reminded of my place and understanding that I should have kept people younger than me at arm’s length makes me realize that perhaps my happiness was more reminiscent in nature. Maybe I was happy because I felt like I was in high school again – a time when I had the best support system in the world and didn’t have to worry about being happy, supporting myself, or losing friends. Time to wake up. I don’t fit in with people half my age at camp nor do I fit in with the people twice my age at work. Funny thing not being able to make friends in either group. Leaves you with no friends or semi-friends and by semi I mean work friends that never become anything more and ballet “friends” that you see in class and nod at it but it goes no further. A shade is what I am. Eventually I will be twice my age and that is the camp I must follow since they haven’t yet figured out how to turn back time.
  6. Work still haunts me despite being on “vacation.” It’s more of a working vacation which should mean little work more vacation. Ha. I still worry about things I’m not doing and not being responsive enough but mostly not wanting to and not being able to put my heart into it. Disingenuous. Disheartened.

Oh life, you really have me for a loop right now. ๐Ÿ™‚


2 thoughts on “Life update – Belonging

  1. Traveling Dancer…My heart goes out to you. This is certainly not a situation with an easy decision and I really feel for you. I am someone that really does not like a lot of advice that was not asked for but I want to help and want to share some of my own experiences growing up that may offer some perspective or something or maybe nothing at all. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Remembering myself as a young 15 year old …ahem…23 years ago…I always related better with people older than those my own age…and you know what? I truly think it was for the better. Girls my own age were interested in things I wasn’t and I liked the guidance that someone older could give. I thought many times those my own age would make poor decisions and I did not want to get stuck into that “crowd”. Honestly, the house mom may have more of a hang up on this than you and may have been a little jealous the girls were liking you? Your friend sounds like she found a good role model and enjoyed spending time with you and it’s unfortunate the house mom could not see that you were that, a good role model.

    I wish I could impart some better words of wisdom regarding what to do about staying at CYPB…but my heart wants you to stay there! What a glorious opportunity that I hope is the right one for you. There are many days I think back and deeply regret that I stopped dancing when I did and for the reasons I did. I think now….who cares if I didn’t become a professional dancer…or if it was a short dancing career…I still would have danced and danced. I could now be teaching dance or choreographing or just sitting back and being glad that I danced. Looking back I feel like I short changed myself honestly. Think about your self at 38 looking back, knowing what you know, and what decision would you have made? I know I would go back in time and march myself back into dance class again….

    I wish you all the best in these situations. You sound like someone who really has a good head on her shoulders and her heart in the right place, it just stinks to be a grown up sometimes, but it is never a bad thing to feel younger again. ๐Ÿ™‚


    1. Thank you Rachael for reaching out. I sorely needed it during that week at CPYB. I cried myself to sleep one night, mostly about losing a friend but also about losing my childhood/teenhood. I too have always had friends who are older than me so I should have remembered that and realized that before making myself feel even worse about the situation. I do get where she was coming from though but I do agree with you that some of it was jealousy on her part. I’m mostly mad at myself for letting that while situation affect my dancing. I missed class and was off my game a time or two because I was thinking about it. ;/

      As for staying at CPYB. I think it would have made more sense if I was at a higher level technically and if I had more time. I think their syllabus works best with people with time. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m going to try and get into a program here and see what happens.

      Thank you again truly for being a constant support to me. You inspire me to keep going and share my experiences. I know I’m not alone. ๐Ÿ™‚ I love to hear your advice, comments, anything so please feel free to always speak your mind with me. There aren’t actually a lot of people I can talk to that understand what it’s like to want dance in your life.


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